List Of Gifts
talk:
- Add a "Usable By" column listing which clbumes can use which junk come episode 2
- need verify that dog spray and Spamminator 2000™ v2.0 can be obtained as gifts
- add any items not on list (done till ep2)
- editing note: when taking the url for pictures of items sometimes after .jpg is followed by ? and some jibberish, you can delete everything after the .jpg
List of Gift Items
| Image | Name | Description | Clbum | Approximate flezz value |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Log in to see images! Chinese Takeaway | These crispy noodles are six months old, but you’d never know it due to the extremely high amount of MSG; not only is it a great preservative, but it’s also a powerful deliciousizer. | ? | 1 | |
| Log in to see images! Marble | Lost your marbles? Here’s one. Also works as a poor man’s anal bead. | ? | 1 | |
| Log in to see images! Dishwashing Brush | Hey, when it comes time to start scrubbing ‘tween yo momma’s fleshy flab-folds, this wiry brush will really get those bedsores, um…somewhat less festering? | ? | 1 | |
| Log in to see images! Toy Eyeball | Absolutely ****ing useless. | ? | 2 | |
| Log in to see images! Ironic Egg Timer | There’s something inherently disturbing about a chicken going out of its way to remind you that its unborn fetus is about to become breakfast. Will there be a pleasant chime when your baby dies? | ? | 2 | |
| Log in to see images! Retro Calendar | The flipping mechanism on this calendar is broken, but don’t let that stop you from placing it prominently in your living area. Hey…at least it’s right once a month. | ? | 3 | |
| Log in to see images! Vinyl Record | This novelty record from the early ‘60s is by an obscure singer by the name of “Tubbs Parcheesi” who began a dance craze called “The Sitdown.” The song finally cracked the Billboard 1000 after he choked to death on a peanut bumer ‘n kielbasa sandwich. | ? | 3 | |
| Log in to see images! Tomato Soup Can | The educational system in California has really gone downhill in the last few years…. | ? | 4 | |
| Log in to see images! Birdhouse | Attract soothing songbirds and, occasionally, a homeless man’s smegma. | ? | 4 | |
| Log in to see images! Rusty Old Kettle | This is a magical pixie kettle. If you rub it just right, absolutely nothing will happen, because magic doesn’t exist, you superstitious male reproductive organhead. | ? | 5 | |
| Log in to see images! Pirate Flag | There’s no subtler way to sneak up on an unsuspecting sea vessel than to hoist this menacing skull-and-crossbones on your ship’s jigger-mast. Yaargh. | ? | 6 | |
| Log in to see images! Approxim-o™ Knife | This unpopular cousin of the famous utility knife makes a great toy for children and pets. | ? | 6 | |
| Log in to see images! Used Asthma Inhaler | A homeless person once used this as a crack pipe, so not only will you catch your breath, but you’ll also catch a wicked buzz! Note: Do not touch to mouth. | ? | 7 | |
| Log in to see images! Remote Control | This remote control is held together with scotch tape, elastic bands and sheer desperation. | ? | 8 | |
| Log in to see images! Rubber Chicken | This has a panoply of uses, including: beating cripples over the head; luring children to your house or shanty; and, of course, masturbating. | ? | 8-9 | |
| Log in to see images! Dried-Out Cheese | This wedge of cheese is just big enough to fit into the average American hamburger. Bon appetit, fatso! | ? | 9 | |
| Log in to see images! “Magic” Mushroom | This mushroom is not actually “magic.” It simply contains a small amount of poison that causes you to hallucinate…right before you die. Caution: May contain a family of Smurfs. | ? | 10 | |
| Log in to see images! Box of Internal Mystery * | What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!? | ? | 10 | |
| Log in to see images! Dad!” The Greatest Comebacks in History | Trounce any online opponent with this handy guide to tried-and-tested schoolyard retorts. Wanna be a comeback kid? Be the Rocky Balboa of the internet world!* *Rocky lost in the last movie. Spoiler alert. | ? | 10-11 | |
| Log in to see images! Abandoned Tire | Someone’s horrendous accident is now your windfall! Enjoy, you heartless monster! | ? | 11 | |
| Log in to see images!A full spamming suite that includes email crawling, a fake “remove me” option and a database of 5,000 different ways to spell Viagrow. | ? | 12 | ||
| Log in to see images!Yes, we realize that African-Americans sometimes call each other “dawg,” but that doesn’t count. | ? | 12 | ||
| Log in to see images! Expired Ground Pork | Although this may look like maggots, this is actually ground pork. The maggots are underneath. | ? | 12-13 | |
| Log in to see images! Human Skull | This decomposed human head doesn’t do anything for you, but there’s probably some Wiccan out there who would like to stick a candle in its eye sockets, then leave it on their desk as a reminder of how badbum they really are. | ? | 15 | |
| Log in to see images! The Anorexic Cookbook: 50 Fun Recipes for Water | Calorie-free recipes that are as fast, cheap and easy as you are! Now you can eat gourmet every day — or every other day — and still keep that slim, whorish figure. Try this sinful treat: deep-fried water! | Camwhore | 15 | |
| Log in to see images! Mix Tape of Novelty Songs, Awful Covers and ‘80s TV Theme Songs | Pop this antiquated mixtape into your cbumette player when you really need to rock out with your male reproductive organ out. Sixteen hatingly selected tunes that’s sure to bring out anyone’s inner douchebag. | Troll | 17-18 | |
| Log in to see images! Down the Road, Not Across the Street! An Illustrated Guide to Suicide | Sage advice for anyone who wants to kill themselves. Also plenty of info for those who just like to cut themselves “to see how much it bleeds.” One pint? Two pints? Three? Order now and get educated! | Emo | 17-18 | |
| Log in to see images! Anvil | With this anvil, you have the potential to become the best “Black Smith” since The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yo homes, smell ya later! | ? | 20-21 | |
| Log in to see images! I Almost Had Sex With a Woman: Memoirs of a Hacker Hero | A sensational account of one computer nerd’s inspiring journey into quasi-sexuality. Norbert Erdman’s fanciful tale is sure to uplift anyone whose sole interaction with the female of the species was that time they chatted with this hot furry in Second Life, but it turned out to be a dude, but they kept cybering anyway and then they felt kind guilty but by then the pizza had arrived. | Hacker | 20-21 | |
| Log in to see images! Fish Head | Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, man them ****s is delicious. Aw yee. | ? | 25-26 | |
| Log in to see images! The Art of Flame War | A highly influential treatise by the mysterious Chinaman “Moon Yu,” this ancient dogreat timesent dates back to the BBS era of the early ‘90s.
Preferably read in an exaggerated Chinese accent, The Art of Flame War will help you become a master of destructive criticism. | Troll | 32 | |
| Log in to see images! CMPLT MRN’S GIDE 2 TXTNG | Increase your forum attack speed by absorbing the knowledge contained in this alarmingly short guide to chatspeak. Note: Users under 17 years old may have been born with this information already embedded in their tiny little brains. | Permanoob | 32-34 | |
| Log in to see images! IP Privately™* | Can’t IP in public? Use this masking program to mask your identity when surfing. Now you can launch all the hack attacks you want and download the most inappropriate porn your hard drive can handle, and the feds will be none the wiser! | Hacker(?) | 35 | |
| Log in to see images! Genuine Asimov™ OS IX | OS IX is the latest release of the Asimov Operating System™ for Asimov™ Super Computers. New features in OS IX include:
Support for Keyboards and Mice:* You may now use the latest in computer inputting technology to communicate with Asimov OS. Deleting of files:* Tired of buying new hard drives every time your old one filled up with junk? Throw those worries away with our new and novel file deleting commands! Digital Rights Management:* Sleep well at night knowing that the copy of the software you purchased is actually owned by you, and that the profits of the Asimov Corporation™ are safe! Very rarely causes your computer to burst into flames* | ? | 42-43 | |
| Log in to see images! Children’s Playhouse Kit | This fun playhouse has been pre-bumembled for your convenience. Just add chains, padlocks and a hornet’s nest! | ? | 50-53 | |
| Log in to see images! Empty Gas Pump | For fun, turn this into a homemade colonic irrigation system. Just fill it with lukewarm coffee and you can become the next Tubgirl! | ? | 75-79 | |
| Log in to see images! McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ | Is anti-virus software getting in your way constantly? Do you hate feeling protected and safe? If so, McBuggy Anti-Anti Virus™ is the software for you! Simply install this software, and like magic your anti-virus software will go away. Say goodbye to a life free of infection! Say hello to McBuggy. | ? | 151-159 | |
| Log in to see images! Bicycle | They say that bicycles are the most efficient form of transportation. We say, ever try to **** a chick on the backseat of a bicycle? That’s what we thought, fabulous persongitron. | ? | 252-265 | |
| Log in to see images! Buy This Book: The Complete Guide to Buying this Book | Alternate title: “How to Con Someone Out of a Thousand Dollars.” | ? | 505-530 | |
| Log in to see images! Motherboard | Your motherboard? I’d **** her. | ? | 757-795 | |
| Log in to see images! Deed to Indian Burial Ground | This is an old deed for a parcel of land currently inhabited by the ghosts of 1,000 dead Crow Indians. Perfect for setting up your mini-golf course or dream (nightmare?) home. | ? | 1515-1590 | |
| Log in to see images! Electric Transportation Device | This marvel of human engineering uses six gyroscopic sensors to make you look like the biggest douchebag on the police force stuck on the “convention center beat.” Easily chase down crooks (as long as they stay away from stairs). | ? | 2317-2385 | |
| Log in to see images! Sexual Relations With That Woman | It’s the closest thing you’ll ever come to ****ing Bill Clinton…even if your name happens to be Hillary Clinton! She’ll let you stick a cigar in her twat, and will even perform analingus on you while calling you “Mither Prethiden.” | ? | 2822 | |
| Log in to see images! Constitution of India | We know this sounds racist, but this literally does include the right to smell a helluva lot like curry at all times. Don’t believe us? Check out its Wikipedia history: revision as of 12:52, 14 October 2007. | ? | 2954-3012 | |
| Log in to see images! Jew’s Harp | This ancient mouth instrument produces a highly unusual twanging sound, and has no actual relationship with the Jewish people other than the fact it is highly overpriced and will only marry other Jew’s Harps. See JHarpDate.com. | ? | 3030-3180 | |
| Log in to see images! Pipe Organ | It’s the only musical instrument whose name consists of two euphemisms for the male reproductive organ, and that alone makes it valuable. Also useful for seducing nuns and choirboys. | ? | 3975 | |
| Log in to see images! Pocket Watch | Why wear a watch on your wrist like a normal person, when you could be pompous and carry it around on a chain in your vest pocket? As for its handy chain, if you ever get it stuck up your bum—and let’s face it, who hasn’t—you can just yank it back out like a rusty, ****-covered tampon. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. | ? | 4294 | |
| Log in to see images! Justin Timberlake's Mobile Phone | Even though he sings like a homo, this guy actually gets more celebrity tail than Ol’ Blue Eyes did, back before he needed ol’ blue pills. Hell, he even ****ed Britney Spears back when she was hot and was smart enough to run out before she went all fat, bald and floppy-snatch’d.
You can call up pretty much any young starlet and when they see the caller ID, they’ll be flying out to **** you before you can say “great times Me a River.” | ? | 4500-4664 | |
| Log in to see images! Mary Magdalene | This is a nude depiction of Mary Magdalene, the only woman fortunate enough to have had anointed Jesus’ flesh-flute with that sweet little mouth of hers. She claimed his semen tasted “pretty normal,” but then again she was a huge whore, wasn’t she? Historians are uncertain as to whether she also juggled his Easter eggs while she penetrated his holy ****hole with her leprous pinkie. I'd so hit that. | ? | 5050-5300 | |
Notes
- Box of Internal Mystery, Spamminator 2000™ v2.0, Dog Spray, and IP Privately™ was spotted at the Ppwn Shoppe, and bought / resold for its price.
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