• Ego +12

Happidex™ is the perfect entry level Ego booster for the mildly depressed. Side effects may include: anal leakage, loss of bladder control, ultra-sensitive nipples, shrinkage of sex organs, change in sexual orientation, attraction to close family members and severe mental retardation. Wearing an adult diaper is recommended while taking Happidex. Do not mix Happidex with water. Happidex is highly combustible. Avoid consuming fire.

• Ego +20

Viagrow™ is the only medication that is medically proven to increase the size of male genitalia and female breasts safely. What better way to replenish your Ego than walking around with monstrous body parts? Note: A small subset of Viagrow users’ organs have been known to wither up and fall off following consumption.

This antidepressant is so strong it could turn a black-and-white movie into color. Does that make sense? No. Does this game make sense? Also no.

• Ego +50

Smileprin™ is an effective antidepressant from the LiliPad Pharmaceutical Corporation. Its patent has expired, so it’s considerably cheaper now than when it was originally released.

• Ego +100

Conveniently, the LiliPad Pharmaceutical Corporation released this mirrored version of Smileprin™ a day before its patent expired. Since it’s patented it’s more expensive, but boy is it effective!

• Kills you

This pill’s so good, it’ll kill you! - that was the infamous slogan this drug’s 1998 introduction to the drug market. It made a huge splash, selling millions of capsules within the first week. There were no repeat customers. Effectively just a sugary cyanide pill, this drug will kill you shortly after ingestion. There are no known side effects, as nobody has lived to tell about them. A marketing quirk that will go down in history alongside hot dogs coming in packages of 10 and buns coming in packages of six (bumholes!), Euthanides™ includes a dozen pills in every blister pack.

Most people don’t know this, but caffeine tablets are a generally lot gentler on your system than drinking sludgy coffee all day. Unfortunately, Wake The **** Ups come in such large doses, you’ll probably end up with an ulcer anyway. Nevertheless, if you can think of a better way to persistently type in l33t speak than popping 1000mg caffeine pills, we’ve yet to hear it.

Jean-Claude Van Damme is back…in energy drink form! This uses real, homeopathic doses of Van Damme sweat in every can (one part per million) to give you the energy you need to get through a day of sitting around playing video games. Yeah!

• Sexiness +15

These cosmetics were tested heavily on animals so that you could look better, and that’s all that matters, right? ...right? While these cheap beauty products can’t compete with the high-end stuff, they’re good enough to restore minor levels of lost Sexiness.

• Sexiness +25

Let’s face it most men like their women completely devoid of any hair that doesn’t sprout from the head. The men that claim to like body hair are probably just afraid of sounding like pedophiles, or they’re dirty jobless hippies that a self-respecting camwhore wouldn’t want anything to do with anyway. Pre-Pubessence™ is body hair’s worst enemy. It’s the stuff sexiness is made of.

• Sexiness +50

Recent studies that shown that this lipstick contains unhealthy amounts of lead. What those studies don’t show is that it also contains unhealthy amounts of sexy!

• Tears +10

When you’re crying up a virtual thunderstorm of woe, nothing gets those lookin’-balls nice and moist like a bottle of this stuff. I can see clearly now The world is a piece of ****.

• Tears +18

Now with menthol for that cool, soothing feeling. Ahhh… it’s like Frosty the Snowman is jizzing in your eye socket.

• Tears +40

Created for burly welders whose eyes are constantly exposed to blinding white glare, this stuff is like pixie dust for wannabe vampire fabulous persons like you, who probably haven’t seen natural sunlight in weeks.

• Tears +60

Remember how she used to smell? Remember the joy, the pbumion…the crushing sadness when she walked out of your life forever, leaving only a florid trail of heartbreak and unrequited love? Now you can relive the magic.