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Episode 1

A full walkthrough of Episode 1 of the game, chock full of spoiler goodness. Brought to you by MC Banhammer, edited and formatted by Skyreal.

Walkthrough

Start the game as a Re-Re

  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Tutorial
  • Game Event: Tubmail added to bookmarks
  • Player Action: Complete Mission: Tutorial
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Tutorial
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: **** off the Old Farts!
  • Player Action: Pwn Denture Chat. (strategy tip: As the attacks against you won’t do more than 1 point of damage, wait until you’re down to 1 Ego to take the Happidex in order to maximize its effectiveness.)

As a result, you will level up, and receive a cinematic which allows you to choose your Character Clbum. If you want to play as a Re-Re (hard mode), click the Character tab instead of choosing any clbum. You will be able to change to a clbum at any point if you change your mind; see the FAQ for details on how.

  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: **** off the Old Farts!

If you chose a character clbum other than Re-Re:

  • Game Event: Received Tubmail from <organization clbum="true">
  • Player Action: Read the Tubmail. The Tubmail has attachments, take them.
  • Game Event: New bookmarks: Stores for your clbum
  • Game Event: Character’s E-Peen has been lengthened with E-Peen for organization
  • Player Action: Spend upgrade points. Certainly, take the Free Starter Pack for your clbum. You’ll also want at least one of the new attacks available to you. Everything else is optional depending on how you want to build your character; see the Game Discussion forum and the wiki for advice.
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Quest for the OS!

You may now sell junk (such as the Human Skull Grave Re-Digger sent you) in the Ppwn Shoppe for Flezz. You’ll receive additional junk on each day following a day you pwn threads. You probably want to sell all your junk every day as you acgreat timesulate it.

  • Optional: There are three paths you can choose from now, in any order. You can even switch between paths in the middle of one, if you like.

Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project

sTalk with Futanari-Moe, gaining the “Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project” Mission. The reward is 250 Flezz, and in the middle of it, you will have an opportunity to get the Asimov OS Shallow asked for at a reduced Flezz cost.

  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project
  • Optional: You can buy an illegal copy of the Asimov OS from AllOfWarez.ru at a reduced rate, instead of going to von Neumann's. How delivering this version to Shallow affects gameplay is unrevealed at this time.
  • Player Action: sTalk CutiePie12xo again. While it’s endleslly entertaining to mess with him, here we provide for you the “best” answers:
  1. Damn, girl, let’s get to know each other a little better.
  2. Why is your name CutiePie12xo if you’re 14?
  3. Age be damned! If there’s grbum on the lawn, mow, mow, mow!
  4. You’re as beautiful as Rita Hayworth in her prime.
  5. My male reproductive organ’s got more HORSEpower than a Model-T Ford!
  6. My John Thomas is harder than a bowl of old-time penny candy, and just as sweet.
  7. A hearty round of sodomy, using a lambskin johnny — none of that newfangled plastic junk.
  8. I have a collection of erotic woodcuts that truly get my pistons firing.
  9. Sorry, I’m an old-fashioned type. I believe in courtship first.
  • Player Action: Read Tubmail. Take the attachment.
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project

Anonymous vs. Onymous

  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Anonymous vs. Onymous
  • Player Action: pwn Dr. Jojo’s. Bring in ego-recovering drugs. As a result, you should level up.
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Anonymous vs. Onymous!

You can sTalk to Anonymous one more time, but after that he goes offline for the rest of the game.

Quest for the OS!

Quest for the OS! must be satisfied to proceed with the game . If you haven’t done the optional “Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project”, and haven’t sTalked Anonymous or completed his Mission (see below), you won’t have enough Flezz to satisfy this Mission at this time. There are other ways to get Flezz but they take at least a day. Note the operating system occasionally shows up in the Ppwn Shoppe at a discounted rate (82 instead of 93).

(Alternatively you can buy a much cheaper, if less genuine OS from AllOfWarez.ru, which Shallow Esophagus will accept. Alternatively alternatively, you sometimes get a genuine OS as junk in deliveries. If you are patient you can grind JoJos a lot, and wait for one to show up.)

  • Player Action: buy a Genuine Asimov OS from either the AllOfWarz.ru or the Ppwn Shoppe if available (if you don’t have one from the “Futanari-Moe’s Pervy Pic Project” Mission).
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Quest for the OS!
  • Game Event: XSS code automatically downloaded
  • Player Action: At this point, you have no Missions, and you’ve done all you can, except for deploying the XSS code. Start doing so (the forum you choose to do it on is irrelevant). You must deploy XSS three times for the story to continue.

When you deploy your first XSS Code

  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Pwned in Sixty-Nine Seconds

When you deploy your second XSS Code

  • Optional: Doctor O is a completely optional discussion. You could gain a unique, one-use item if you do talk to him, and he does reveal some story background, but you do not need to talk to him to finish the game. If you choose to talk with him, see the OPTIONALS section below.
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Pwned in Sixty-Nine Seconds

When you deploy your third XSS Code

  • Optional: haxlrose allows you to reset your upgrade points. Use him at your discretion, but do so wisely, because he has a cooldown of four days between each reset.
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Kristians on a Krutch
  • Player Action: pwn KKK
  • Game Event: Cinematic: introducing Ravit
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Kristians on a Krutch
  • Player Action: sTalk Ravit

You have now completed the three things necessary to proceed with the game. Note that Ravit said he’ll get back to you in one day. If you’ve bought illegal enhancements, you won’t have to wait the day, but if you haven’t bought them, you will have to wait until tomorrow to hear back from him. If you still have forum visits, you may still use them.

The next day...

  • Game Event: Receive E-Peen for Flaming Black Operative
  • Player Action: Read Tubmail (FBO welgreat timess j00!!!)
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Flaming Black Initiation

When you deploy your first FBO Code

  • Game Event: Cinematic: Shallow wants to talk to you again. When you do is up to you. His Mission can be done before, after, or during Ravit’s.

You now have a multi-threaded option of how to proceed. I present this in one order, but the order you choose to do them in does not seem relevant; it must all be done to continue with the game.

When you deploy your fourth code (could be any type)

  • Game Event: Fr4gGingR1teZ wants to add you on sTalk. (When this happens is unrelated to deploying FBO codes, it happened to me even before pwning KKK.)
  • Optional: the Fr4gGingR1teZ path is completely optional. You’ll get a decent item if you follow it, but you aren’t required to. If you choose to, a walkthrough is below

When you deploy your eighth code (of any type) THIS STEP IS REQUIRED TO FINISH EPISODE 1

NOTE: At this point, all contacts are disabled except the cop.

You have no choice but to pay her the 500 Flezz, if you want your contacts back. When you have enough money:

Your contacts will be restored.

Shallow Path: Hack The Flacks

  • Player Action: sTalk Shallow. It’s unknown if the answer to his “What can you tell me about this other person?” question impacts gameplay. In any case, you’re going to have to play his trust game to proceed with the game. You can do it right away, or stock up on consumables, spending most of your Flezz, and then try (so as not to give him too much).
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Hack the Flacks
  • Game Event: Shallow Esophagus sent you 500 Flezz (also refunds the money you gave him for the trust exercise)
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Hack the Flacks
  • Game Event: Plum Computers added to bookmarks. Here you can buy better computers.

Ravit Path: The Biggest Losers

  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Flaming Black Initiation
  • Player Action: sTalk Ravit
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: The Biggest Losers

It doesn’t seem to matter in which order you pwn R.P.Genius and The Furry Farm.

  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: The Biggest Losers

After completing both Hack The Flacks and The Biggest Losers AND deployed at least 8 codes

  • Player Action: sTalk Ravit
  • Player Action: Read the Tubmail (!POP Sekret!). Note the pbumword splodeydope
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Teh Nucular Opshun
  • Player Action: pwn Coral Springs.
  • Game Event: Cinematic: Oh just watch it to see. No point spoiling here!
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Teh Nucular Opshun
  • Game Event: Episode 1 ends.

Optional Missions

Doctor O

If you take either option which doesn’t rat out Shallow, you get nothing. If you rat out Shallow:

  • Player Action: Read the Tubmail (Just what the Doctor O-rdered!). It has an attachment. Take it. It’s a one-shot item, Digital Vasectomy 3.1, which gives you Defense +10 for 3 turns.

Fr4gGingR1teZ

The Fr4gGingR1teZ path is completely optional. You’ll get a decent item and a mini-game to play if you follow it, but you aren’t required to. If you choose to:

  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Shot in the male reproductive organ, and You’re Too Lame
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Shot in the male reproductive organ, and You’re Too Lame
  • Optional: You don’t have to accept the friend request, but this is the way to get the special item. So, if you choose to:
  • Player Action: read the Tubmail (My reward to you… for being a friend! ). Take the attachment (Fr4gGingR1teZ 2020 male reproductive organblasterTM Premier XtreemTM Edition (Max Ego +20))

THE_****

  • Optional: After you’ve accepted his request to pwn Fitness fabulous personry, you’re given an option of asking more about steroids. If you take it, you’ll get a Tubmail from him (HEY ****male reproductive organ) with a Homemade ‘Roids Sampler Pack (Ego +20, Douchebaggery+25, For 4 turns Offense+5) You can buy more of these, once per day, for 150 Flezz.
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: ‘Roid Rage Against the Machine!
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: ‘Roid Rage Against the Machine!
  • Optional: Read the Tubmail (THE_**** has sent you a TubSonicTM message!)

When you deploy your tenth code (of any type)

  • Player Action: Read the Tubmail (Hell hath no fury… )
  • Game Event: Received the Mission: Become An Hero

In addition, you receive the Martyrdom Ability. You must now enter these two forums, bumume the identities Ophelia gave you, and kill yourself. The forum order doesn’t matter.

  • Player Action: Enter Woe Is Us as AnGuitarHero and kill yourself.
  • Game Event: Cinematic
  • Game Event: Cinematic
  • Game Event: Completed the Mission: Become An Hero
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