Dear Janie,

How can you love someone you’ve never even met? The very idea is preposterous. You’re simply a young woman with too much time on her hands and too much imagination. What you need is to turn off your computer and go outside into the fresh air.

Even if you don’t want to join a church youth group, you could at least get involved in some sort of sports activity. I would suggest tennis, unless you’re too poor, in which case you could take up softball. You’ll meet lots of young people, get some healthful exercise, and a good dose of vitamin D from being out in the sun all day.

And as for this stalking business, I simply do not recommend it. You are the woman, so you should be the one being stalked. Men don’t like women who are forward. They simply use them and throw them away like old, smelly beer cans.

Do you want to be an old smelly beer can? I know I certainly don’t!

With all Christian love,

Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood