Dear Janie,

I would love to help you out — I adore doggies so much — but I’m afraid he would scare my little woman's genitalskins. Are you going on a college orientation so soon in the year? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very pleased you’re pursuing your education and leaving behind those unhealthy fantasies of yours. I was just unaware that orientations began so early in the year.

Are you perchance studying overseas? My, that would be lovely. England is so delightful in the spring and summer. Mind you, stay away from France, because I understand it is horribly overrun with Moslems. You would probably be raped five minutes within setting foot off the plane. And please don’t go to Italy. Italians are such dirty, common people. Germany is quite nice, I hear.

With all Christian love,

Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood