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Lucinda Sherwood's Flamebate Posts
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An open letter to my sonDear Philip,
I have not been able to show my face, as it were, on these forums since your appearance here. I have been too ashamed. You cannot know, cannot even begin to appreciate, what a dagger it has been in my heart to see you here amongst all my friends and, worse, enemies, flaunting your shameless lifestyle.
Most mornings, I find it difficult even to arise from my bed, knowing what kind of filth I would see you spewing here. It is only when my eyes fall upon the crucifix hanging over my dresser — when I see the bloody and broken body of Christ upon the cross — that I remember to offer my own suffering up to the Lord.
But I beg of you, Philip, please leave. These are such nice people, and I could not bear it if you were to convert even one of them to your filthy, disgusting, sodomite ways. You are lost; you will most certainly burn in hell. But there is hope for most of these young people here, and I cannot tolerate you leading them down into the pits where you yourself are destined to burn in everlasting agony.
With all Christian love,
Mother (view post) |
06/10/2008 |
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Say it loud!Philip Sherwood, stop this nonsense at once! Do you hear me? At once!
With all Christian love,
Your mother (view post) |
06/05/2008 |
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More like The Great Firewall of HOLY SHIT THIS FORUM IS HARDWTF happened to Dolphin Love? I was grinding it and all of a sudden I took a 110 pt hit! (view post) |
06/02/2008 |
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I'm not perfectCertain people — I’m not naming any names — have posted replies to my comments suggesting that I am perverted in some way. Let me assure you that I am not perverted. I am a good Catholic, and I follow the teachings of the Church to the letter.
However, I do have a chink in my armor, for I am only human. I have always striven to be a good parent, even after my children were grown and had little ones of their own. I sent all three of my children to Catholic school and never neglected their attendance at catechism classes or at weekly Mass.
Yes, three children. Those of my friends here at Forum Wars know that I have two daughters, Janie and Mary Pat. But I have kept the existence of my third child quiet. It’s very difficult for me to talk about.
Philip was always a sensitive boy. My husband Gerald tried to toughen him up by making him play Little League baseball, football and basketball. When that didn’t work, when Philip continued to steal his sisters’ Barbie dolls and dress them up in his own handmade ensembles, Gerald would spank him with the belt. That didn’t work, so I enrolled Philip in St. Crispin’s, a residential school for Catholic boys. I thought perhaps he might decide to enter the priesthood that way.
But Philip did not enter the priesthood. In fact, he did not even graduate high school. He ran away to New York City, moved in with a “friend,” and began designing clothes for theatrical productions.
Yes, it’s true. My son is a homosexual.
So you see, strangers and friends, I am not perfect. I failed my son. I failed as a mother and as a Catholic.
That is why I will never judge the parents of nancy-boys. I tried, I prayed, I wept and I bargained with the Blessed Virgin, but my son was lost to me, lost forever. When he sent us a photograph of his “wedding,” my husband had a stroke and never fully regained the use of his limbs. Gerald died two years later. Philip refused to come to the funeral unless he could bring his “husband,” and I of course refused to allow that.
This is the bitter dagger that twists in my heart every time I see a mother allowing her little boy to play with dolls or wear pastels. This is the heartbreak I live with every day of my life.
So now you know — my son is a faggot.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
06/01/2008 |
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Tentacle RapeDear Mr. Banhammer,
This is precisely why I detest Japs — this and WWII, I mean. And the mass production of cheap cars to drive American automotive companies out of business.
It’s a sick culture, and I’m only sorry that Mr. Schrute has any contact with it at all. He seems like such a good, young Christian man. I watch that documentary show regularly, and I’ve admired his moral rectitude right from the start.
What is going to become of this world once the Japs take over, I don’t know. I hope I’ll be dead before that day arrives.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/29/2008 |
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Need someone to feed my dogDear Janie,
I would love to help you out — I adore doggies so much — but I’m afraid he would scare my little pussykins. Are you going on a college orientation so soon in the year? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very pleased you’re pursuing your education and leaving behind those unhealthy fantasies of yours. I was just unaware that orientations began so early in the year.
Are you perchance studying overseas? My, that would be lovely. England is so delightful in the spring and summer. Mind you, stay away from France, because I understand it is horribly overrun with Moslems. You would probably be raped five minutes within setting foot off the plane. And please don’t go to Italy. Italians are such dirty, common people. Germany is quite nice, I hear.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/26/2008 |
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weed ownsDear Mr. Monkey,
Yes, I did hire a spic to take care of my lawn and garden for me, but that was just last week. Last summer, oh heavens, it was simply dreadful. In a drought, the only things that will grow are weeds, and we had a bad one last year. The water department said we couldn’t use our sprinklers or our hoses because of some silly water shortage, when I know well and good that they’ve got thousands of gallons of water stored up in their hidden silos. So I just put my sprinklers out after dark, right before I went to bed. I felt a little bad in my conscience about it, but it’s not a sin to disobey a utility, so I didn’t feel it worth confessing.
Of course, this year we’ve had lots of rain, so it won’t be an issue as much as all the darn bugs!
And while I’m on the subject of nuisances, couldn’t you please remove that horrible drawing from all of your posts?
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/26/2008 |
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Unnatural curves for a 15 year old? (NSFW)Dear Mr. Bliggity,
What does NSFW mean? Is that some sort of acronym for personal ads? I can figure out Single, Female and White, but the significance of the N escapes me.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/26/2008 |
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weed ownsDear Mr. Prey,
Even though I think you’re a fine young man, I must disagree with you. I hate weeds! When I think of the hours I’ve spent on my hands and knees pulling those darn things out of my flower beds, I could just cry.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/26/2008 |
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Need help stalking board memberDear Janie,
How can you love someone you’ve never even met? The very idea is preposterous. You’re simply a young woman with too much time on her hands and too much imagination. What you need is to turn off your computer and go outside into the fresh air.
Even if you don’t want to join a church youth group, you could at least get involved in some sort of sports activity. I would suggest tennis, unless you’re too poor, in which case you could take up softball. You’ll meet lots of young people, get some healthful exercise, and a good dose of vitamin D from being out in the sun all day.
And as for this stalking business, I simply do not recommend it. You are the woman, so you should be the one being stalked. Men don’t like women who are forward. They simply use them and throw them away like old, smelly beer cans.
Do you want to be an old smelly beer can? I know I certainly don’t!
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/25/2008 |
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waht're u doin tihs summer???????Dear Miss Escher,
Instead of playing “giatr hero,” whatever that is, I suggest that you do something to improve your spelling, grammar and vocabulary. I cannot understand why a young, white American woman should have such atrocious language skills. From your photograph, you do not appear to be poor, and your father is certainly respectably dressed. Has neither he nor your mother taken any interest in your education? How have you managed to progress through the public education system to high school when you can barely read or write?
Please advise me what school you attend, and its location, so I can inform your local Board of Education of this gross and shameful error.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/25/2008 |
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Satan is pretty awesome. That's why I worship the Devil.Paraone Posted:
Dear Paraone,
I assure you, young man, that Satan is not “awesome,” but rather “awful.” He is the source of all the misery and suffering in the world. Do you want to suffer and be miserable? I doubt that you do, but that’s exactly what you will be once you’ve died and gone to Hell. When demons are clawing out your entrails and chewing away your genitals, you’ll regret this foolish decision to worship the Prince of Darkness.
For my part, I can only pray that no one reading your wretched words will follow you down the same path of evil.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/25/2008 |
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about meJanie Posted:
Dear Janie,
I’m not sure how old you are, but both my daughters are in their mid-40s. I have a daughter of my own named Janie, and she’s 43 and works at the county clerk’s office here in our town. She doesn’t have any children, other than the one we don’t talk about too often. My elder daughter, Mary Pat, is a stay-at-home mother, for all the good that’s done. Her daughter, Jade, is quite wild and I would hesitate to recommend her as a role model or friend to any impressionable young person.
If you want to make new friends, though, I suggest that you join the youth group at your church. You’ll meet lots of fine young Christian children to share experiences with, and as summer is approaching, perhaps you’ll even get a chance to go on a charitable mission. Last year, our church’s youth group traveled down to Louisiana to help rebuild homes. They even worked on a house for a black family!
So if you don’t object to working for black people — some people do have a problem with that, you know — such an adventure could be just what you need to keep you out of trouble and away from drugs this year.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/24/2008 |
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LET'S FACE ITHere’s the essential problem with the emo/camwhore vs. troll dynamic — emos and camwhores are self-obsessed, while trolls are other-obsessed. There is rarely a true conversation between emos or between camwhores, because by their very natures, they can’t see beyond their own noses. Trolls see only others, and shy away from anything that might reflect upon their true selves. Emos and camwhores are complete within themselves, while trolls are only complete when they interact with others of any class. Re-res, as they’re typically played, have nothing intelligent to say and cannot converse with others or they lose their “re-re” identity.
That is why role-playing as a generic emo or camwhore or re-re is boring. It really does help to create a character, with a history and a projected character arc. (view post) |
05/23/2008 |
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LET'S FACE ITDear Mr. Banhammer,
I don’t like to tell anyone how to do their job, especially when I don’t know how you do these things myself, but perhaps you could move this thread to the Game Discussion room. That way, if people wanted to seriously discuss this thing they call “role-playing,” they could do so without having to play a role. Oh, dear, I hope that makes sense. I forgot to take one of my pills last night before bed, and this whole day I’ve just been so confused!
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/23/2008 |
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I love Mexicanscrayoncakes Posted:
Dear Miss Crayoncakes,
I heartily approve of naming children Jesus. I wish more good Americans did that. Let me tell you, teachers would think twice about forbidding a boy named Jesus to pray in their classrooms.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/23/2008 |
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I love MexicansYes, it’s true. I really do love Mexicans.
This week, I got a new gardener. His name is Juan, and I assure you that he’s perfectly legal. Believe me, I do not stand for the flouting of immigration laws.
Juan knocked on my door this past Saturday and asked if I’d like some help with my yard. Well, you know, I’m getting older and I can’t mow the grass like I used to, and my arthritis acts up so in this rainy weather.
I told Juan that I would very much like some help with my bushes, because they’ve gotten so overgrown. No one’s been tending them since my husband died. However, I demanded that he first produce a green card before I would agree to hire him. He seemed a bit confused by that, so I took my time and carefully explained to him, “No green card, no work. You show green card.”
Juan came back the next day with his birth certificate. It seems that he was born right here in the USA, in Texas. His parents must have been very wily, crossing the border right before his mother was due to give birth. I complimented Juan on their ingenuity and told him that he could start this week.
Well, I want you to know, he has just done a phenomenal job on my lawn, and the work he did on my bushes made me cry out in ecstasy. That man certainly knows how to use a tool.
Yes, Mexicans are lovely people.
Of course, I wouldn’t let my daughter marry one. (view post) |
05/22/2008 |
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about meJanie Posted:
Dear Janie,
Yes, I have two. Why do you ask, dear?
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/22/2008 |
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Impossible for me to attack in forum and mysterious forum visit deletions.Yep, happened to me too, and I did the good, Christian thing and filled out a bug report. (view post) |
05/21/2008 |
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Dear Team ShortbusI hope that the few short weeks I spent with all of you fine young people helped you to understand and embrace the divine love of God.
With all Christian love,
Mrs. Lucinda Sherwood (view post) |
05/21/2008 |
Evil Trout is on Colored People time, always late. Except during sex, with his women left wanting. |